| Relationship Problems
Two Letters from Readers
"I was wondering if I could get some help. I am 23 years old and my husband is 24. We have been married for a year, and we don't have any kids. This should be my husband's sexual prime, but he never wants to have sex. I have always thought that guys were supposed to want to have sex often, but he never wants to. Is there something wrong with him? He says that it isn't me, but he doesn't know what could be the issue. Please send me any advice you can."
Either he is gay and doesn't know it, or he is reluctant to hurt your feelings. It’s not likely, but your husband could be a closet gay. A lot of gay guys don’t want to admit it even to themselves. So they get married and think that everything will work out. But it doesn’t.
More likely, it is the old bugaboo “too much intimacy.” Physical love is extremely fragile. By that, we mean that there is no real reason to lust after a person’s body. There is nothing there that is intrinsically beautiful, especially about the regions that we normally lust after: it is all programmed into us. We can’t help it.
But it is all smoke and mirrors: the programming can be weakened or deleted completely. Love is magic, and the magic can come and go. What weakens it? Too much familiarity, mostly. Leave a little mystery.
Rules that should be written in stone and presented to every couple right from the start are:
1. Do not share a bathroom. Ever. Never go into a bathroom that your spouse is in. Never allow him in with you. All your bodily chores like going to the bathroom and your monthly cycle MUST be taken care of strictly in private. He should not even KNOW about such things. SEPARATE BATHROOMS! And be sure he never goes in right after you. Yes, we know, that’s gross, but somebody has to say it. The importance of this rule cannot be overemphasized. Failure to observe it ruins millions of marriages.
2. Keep yourself meticulously clean. Do you bathe every day and always smell fresh and clean? Do you brush your teeth religiously twice a day and also use a mouthwash? Have you asked your dentist if there is still any possibility of bad breath?
3. Be sure your clothes are always clean, and odor and stain free. Never let him see your dirty laundry.
4. Are you overweight? A lot of guys are really turned off by overweight women. Try to keep fit. No fat bellies or thighs. Work out. Diet. This has the added benefit of adding many years of useful life, and reducing pain and illness.
Well, you get the idea by now. Keep it all mysterious. Don’t let him get too intimate unless the lights are out!
The best of luck to you.
And ATTENTION GUYS! All this applies to you, too. If you're a smelly slob with a beer gut, don't expect to be happy!
"I am a 45year old woman who has been married for 27 years. We had our children young, and now they are grown. I have been depressed most of my life and am currently pulling myself through another session. What can I do when I feel like going out,but have no where to go? I have no friends and no family I stay in touch with. I can't seem to get emotionally attached to anyone for fear of getting hurt. I even have a hard time getting close to my husband. He is a real busy body and spends time on the computer and his motorcycle. Why can't I get involved with him?"
You and your husband don’t seem to have much in common. You are not going to get him away from computers and motorcycles, though. He is too immature to realize that his primary function in this world is to make you happy. That’s a shame. You won’t change him. Men are babies.
Consider taking the whole load on your own shoulders. Since you seem to be the mature person in the family, pretend to be interested in computers and motorcycles. Ask him to teach you about the computer, or just sit next to him (ask first) and keep him company, and see what he is doing. Share the experience, whatever it is. Unless it’s porno, of course, in which case the whole thing is hopeless and maybe a quick divorce is called for.
Ask if you can ride on the back of the cycle. Go out with him on it. Get a black leather jacket and a tattoo, pretend you are a “wild biker chick” for him. Who knows, you might enjoy it.
Another thing you should try is really good communication. Talk to him. Explain in no uncertain words just how you feel. See what he says. Don’t yell, but be firm about how you feel. Leave nothing unsaid. Let me know how this turns out. Maybe he will be good enough to suggest some things the two of you could do together for fun. Trips, hiking, whatever. As long as you do it together.
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